I have a confession.
There were still parts of me feeling some apprehension about going on my trip last week in terms of feeling somewhat self conscious about how I might interact with and flow with the other ladies in the group I was meeting with.
(That’s why you set intentions like a boss).
We are shifting the lives of others and you can bet that we are shifting our own too. So you can imagine it can be quite intense to meet a whole room full of power ladies.
I moved a lot as a kid and experienced some isolation and exclusion from the other girls that as I grew up I began to trust male relationships more. I was used to hanging out with my dad and brother, and we experienced doing many things where dad would take us out and my mom would stay at home playing piano. I remember many beautiful times feeling safe and loved and I also remember many times feeling alone and lonely and somewhere it became less and less safe to connect with other women.
It became a situation that I simply didn’t engage because most of the time there felt too much of a sense of obligation and resistance that didn’t allow me to follow my art impulse, my genius.
I was able to be in company and yet keep to myself and my own impulses and feel strength and power. I suppose in my family dynamic I learned to shift my emotions and behaviors to suit everyone else.
I’m sure that’s skewed to some degree from my kid perspective but in the end, I learned to swallow my emotions and shift rapidly to suit the collective energy of the room.
Perhaps because I am highly aware, I could feel and know what everyone was feeling energetically and this allowed me to feel empathy for them and I became very adaptable. It just was easier.
This adaptability is a disguise for some deeply embedded codependent behaviors. In my resilience and strength, I learned to squash my own needs and desires and chamilion down to please and appease others.
Somewhere it became that I was the most able to shift, compromise, accommodate, resign and submit. I became an apology machine.
Im sorry teehee.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Heeheehee.
I became a vapid container for horrid insecurities, anxieties, limiting beliefs taken on from the collective. Yeeeesh.
At the same time, I had my time to myself. My mother had trained me to be with myself for hours, as she likes to play classical piano for hours daily. She still does. She is a shining example of doing the work and moving though some serious fears and trauma that had been passed down through generations.
So I spent many hours reading, painting, drawing, working towards that straight A. It was very hard for me to focus, so I got special paper, colored pens. I did whatever I could to show up for my studies, myself as a young woman ready to go and explore the world fully.
When others were playing I was focused on taking on and embodying the high level experiences I was naturally drawn to. I felt like I could do and be whatever I wanted and I wasn’t afraid.
But As I evolved I still learned to mold myself and mask myself to accommodate and empathize. I’m strong. I can handle it!
This sense of “strength” is a sure way to block off your own needs and doesn’t, in the end, serve anybody.
I stuffed down my own feelings and knowing all the while I was growing in certain areas, not in others. We all experience compartmentalized emotions and some get squashed and trapped and embedded into our very being and take time to remove and unlayer from our consciousness.
I peeled many layers away this week because the women in the room held themselves to their highest standard and in doing so I naturally do so too and rise up when called.
It turns out I am still masking a chunk of my emotions and embedded deep in
my energy field remained spots of stubborn resistance and deep memories of painful unworthiness. These show up in small moments that end up adding up to shifts in relationship dynamics where I begin to dishonor my own needs and boundaries.
In the end, we cannot protect and feel for others and we must learn to honor and notice and tune into and find our own feelings and flow of expressing those feelings in a way that feels grounded and safe.
I am not accustomed to allowing my own reaction in many situations. I have often chosen to sacrifice my own needs for the room or someone more needy or demanding than me. I am learning to add myself into the equation.
Are you holding onto or bypassing or stuffing emotions unconsciously because you’re super empathic and think you can “handle” it?
As empathy and intuitives it can be easier to read the room than ourselves. Getting support and an outside eye to bring us into awareness and balance with our own sensations, desires and feelings is essential to integrating and balancing our whole being.
In the end it comes down to backing ourselves and knowing we don’t need to handle anyone else’s feelings. We need to feel our own and act accordingly.
Are you ready to feel what you’ve been denying for yourself?
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