I WROTE THIS 1 YEAR AGO

I wrote this a year ago and it popped up in my feed:

7/5/2018

I am only 5'2 and I weight about 140 pounds. I've got some seriously big curves, but I'm sort of mini in other ways. I'm an odd mix of interesting polarities. I'm super introverted in many ways and a total performer and extrovert in other ways. I've always blended the line between possibly really fucking cool and possibly the most horrific geek ever. Sometimes I've been so chubby I had people make comments. I even had somebody holler "LOSE WEIGHT" at me from a car once. I was in Indiana, so ... haha.

And there's the humor I use and always used to deflect the feeling that I wasn't perfect enough. The ladies in my family all felt so tiny, graceful and beautiful and I felt like a blundering, obnoxious, loud, inappropriate, awkward bundle of too much. 

I am sure that loud, defiant, bossy chubby cheeked girl is present in most experiences of my life...
I often even had people meet me and say "well you're just too much!" And yes, throw in a southern accent there. 
So I took on an image and persona of too much, too short, too fat and instead focused inward. Since I wasn't hot enough to ever have a REAL relationship ), well I would just focus on creating a life for myself. There came this line that couldn't touch my inner world and I focused on what I went after with intense discipline.

In undergraduate school, I got TWO majors, and two minors as well as having a job while I was pursuing my studies. My roomates would often drink beers and party and give me a hard time for staying in my room studying or painting. I didn't give a shit and told them so. I was getting on with what I was doing and didn't really feel like hanging and doing that then. it was the love for what I desired to learn, do and be that motivated me. It was calling me and is always calling me. Same as I moved into my film career, I put in tons of extra time at night, drawing, painting and developing my own expression. By myself. For myself.

I find myself tapping into the reserve of focus and discipline now that I am one year out of my marriage and three years into Valtopia. It is an interesting process to go within and yet be sharing daily in some way or another on social media. I have been holding back parts of me without even really knowing how to bring them forward or integrate naturally into all of who I am in this new form of being I am living.

I enjoy the contributors to my feed who are authentic, and share their real, their ugly, their happy, their wins, their losses. I am inspired by your truths, and some of you have fired my ass up so much, I've gotten back to my truth, and created a whole movement. I know I do this for many of you.

And that is what I'm doing here with Valtopia. 

Creating a movement. 

Day to day, I dedicate my time and love to creating a cosmic container for SOUL LOVE. Because soul love is all about life force, vitality, energy, creation and magic, in other words, prosperity, abundance, flow all come from soul alignment, balance and connection to passion and purpose. 

We were taught it was selfish, useless, silly, frivolous. We still get that when we take the time we need to make space to remember and become our full soul selves. And even when we fight hard, fall down, break our lives open and grow, we STILL don't get some instant result beyond our own gratitude and bliss to FEEL ourselves again. 

But THAT is the blessing, that is the divine, that is the bliss. And when we settle into that THEN we begin to be the shift and realize - oh yeah - this feels great and IS happening and we remember to believe and have faith in our heart vision.

Each and every moment you reclaim yourself with nourishment, breath, movement, creativity, expression you tap back into the all that is and adjust the continuum with your soul and heart and that is the most powerful magic EVER.

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